Valentine’s Day is upon us! A time for love. A time for over-priced dinners. A time for 5th grade students everywhere to measure their worth by the card.

That’s why it’s very important for you to bring enough Valentine’s Day cards for the whole class.

The. Whole. Class.

But, “oh” you say, “I don’t want to give everyone in the class a Valentine’s Day card. ‘Robby Gunderson’ is icky and gross and he picks scabs.” First of all, that’s just a rumor. Secondly, you’re passing up an opportunity for, literally, years of tenuous devotion (and fun).

From the right person, a well placed, cryptic message written on a Valentine is like a sexy, lingering viral infection. Unshakeable, but why would you want to? The message needs to be vague, yet instill hope. Something like “it’s you” or “yes” or “grapes.” Maybe not that last one, but who knows? It probably would’ve worked on a 10-year-old Nero.

Presentation is also important. Make sure that your delivery is just as cryptic. Don’t just shove it into the person’s homemade “mailbox” while grunting, “here.” Put a little something extra into it. An almost imperceptible hip shimmy or something. Or, you can simply deliver it while the recipient is not paying attention, cultivating an aura of magic. That works too. It’s up to you.

The important thing is that by giving a mysterious Valentine, you’ll foment secret desires and suspicions in the beneficiary. And when you blend suspicion with desire, what could go wrong?

If creating a potential lifelong stalker isn’t something that interests you, then just give a Valentine’s card to the entire class and be done with it. Don’t be a jerk.

Luckily, VZW is here to help! We have Valentines that the whole school can enjoy! In six unique styles. These Valentine’s Day cards, discovered in a shoebox in Bunny and Tad’s garage, are vintage Valentine’s Day fun! Made from the finest digital card stock, they are online and ready to be downloaded. All you have to do is print them, separate them, address them, and give them out. It couldn’t be easier!

And Robby Gunderson really appreciates his! …Wait… did you just wink a little bit when you gave Robby his card? I think you did. It was faint, but it was almost definitely maybe a wink. I wonder what that means? Hmmm…

Print all six! Just click on the pics:


Or, if you’re the type of person who is more discriminatory with your Valentine’s giving, download them individually below!

(Were there Vampire Zombie Werewolves in the 50s? These cards sure seem to indicate that there were. Nothing says authentic 50s Valentine like including a URL at the bottom of each one)

Happy Valentine’s Day! We consider you all to be our Valentines.

…Whether that was your intention or not.